Years ago E gave me the first six issues of a really bad DC comic published in 1975 based on the epic poem "Beowulf" ("based" in the sense that the paper it was printed on probably wasn’t acidic). They are really, really, really bad - the kind of comic that people who use the phrase "graphic novel" are trying to dissociate themselves from. I never actually read past the first few pages of #1, but I also didn’t throw them out. In fact, I suspect E only gave them to me to test the limits of my pack rattiness.

I pulled them out recently, my blurred memory assuring me that they were issues of Marvel Comics’ "Thor" (I was feeling the need to do some cursory research in the area of pop cultural representations of Norse mythology and also to put off working on the book). They were as bad as I remembered, but I did notice something I’d missed before: full page ads featuring the heavyweights of the DC lineup in adventures with Hostess snack products. The one in which Superman protects his secret identity using fruit pies was pretty swell, but "Batman and the Mummy" was even better. The full text of the ad follows, and remember it's from 1975, so Batman and Robin look like they're just taking a quick break from shooting a Superfriends episode to hock sugary treats.

BATMAN: The Mummy has captured the professor and his beautiful daughter!
ROBIN: Great Cheops!
BATMAN: They violated the tomb of his ancestors, and now he wants revenge!

New panel: Mummy pushing a rock in the foreground; The Professor and His Beautiful Daughter at the mouth of a cave in the background
MUMMY: I’ll roll this two ton stone...they’ll never get out alive!

New panel: the ray gun looks an awful lot like the bastard child of a harpoon and a Daisy air rifle
ROBIN: Even my special mummy ray gun won’t stop him...
BATMAN: Well, after all, you can’t kill a mummy!
ROBIN: Right...he’s already dead! What’ll we do?

New panel: Talking heads, no David Byrne
BATMAN: We’ve got to have a secret weapon...I’ve got it!
ROBIN: What is it? We’ve got to act fast!
BATMAN: We’ll lure him away with an offer he can’t resist!
ROBIN: Seems I’ve heard that somewhere before. What’s that?

New panel: Batman and Robin hiding behind a rock; moonlight bathes the mummy as he heads toward the object of his desire
ROBIN: Here he comes!
MUMMY: M-m-m! Delicious Hostess Twinkies! I can’t resist that moist sponge cake and creamy filling!

New panel: Close up of one happy mummy in the foreground; The Professor and His Busty, I mean, Beautiful Daughter in the background
MUMMY: I’ve been around for 2,000 years and I’ve never tasted anything so good!
THE PROFESSOR: Now’s our chance to escape! Let’s go!

And the last panel...
THE PROFESSOR: Gee! Thanks, Batman and Robin!
THE PROFESSOR'S BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER: For these delicious Hostess Twinkies! Mmm -
NARRATION BOX: You get a big delight in every bite of Hostess® Twinkies®

Also, if you’ve never paid a visit to The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project, you really oughta. I promise it doesn't involve deep frying.