It's been too long since I've written an entry with some heft, but I'm still feeling empty-headed, so I'm raiding the filing cabinet. Here's something I wrote way back when - it contains what is, in my estimation, the worst joke I've ever written. First person to identify the joke wins a ghostly visitation from Raymond Chandler and Christopher Marlowe...
Philip Marlowe's Doctor Faustus
FAUSTUS: It was a slow day, a slow day like every other day here in my office. Nothing to do but drink whiskey that curls around my stomach like a snake, and think thoughts that curl around my brain like an even bigger snake - an anaconda, maybe. Sure, I’ve been a doctor, I’ve been a lawyer. I’m even ordained - by one of those two-bit, nickel-n-dime, penny-for-your-thoughts operations that advertise in the back of Playboy - the Church of I Buy It for the Articles. And now I’m a dick. A private dick. But it ain’t enough.
MEPHISTOPHELES suddenly appears under a red light.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Of course it isn’t.
FAUSTUS: I haven’t seen that much red light since I was on the vice squad. "Who are you?" I said.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Mephistopheles. Why are you still narrating?
FAUSTUS: — he said. "Listen, pal," I answered. "This is my office, you got that? My turf, my space, my digs, and mi casa ain’t su casa, so I’ll narrate whenever I —"
MEPHISTOPHELES: Your phone is going to ring.
It does. FAUSTUS answers it.
FAUSTUS: Faustus, private dick. Yeah. No. No, I can’t pay it this week. No, not next week, either. Listen, pal, I’m broke. I’m busted. I ain’t got any dough. Well, same to you!
MEPHISTOPHELES: I can help you with that. Power. Money. Fame. Dames.
FAUSTUS: Dames?
MEPHISTOPHELES: Dames.
FAUSTUS: And what do you want in return? You don’t look like the philanthropic type.
MEPHISTOPHELES: A small thing, really...infinitesimal —
FAUSTUS: I’m not switching long distance companies.
MEPHISTOPHELES: You don’t have to...if you give me your immortal soul.
FAUSTUS: You’re bughouse, pal.
MEPHISTOPHELES (producing a contract): No harm in signing, then.
FAUSTUS: Power, money, fame?
MEPHISTOPHELES: All yours.
FAUSTUS: What the hell.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Yes. What the hell. FAUSTUS signs the contract. Excellent. Now, your wish is my command.
FAUSTUS: I could use a vacation.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Rome? Bangkok? Rio?
FAUSTUS: Sounds good.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Of course.
Dramatic lighting change as MEPHISTOPHELES produces...a Viewmaster.
MEPHISTOPHELES (as FAUSTUS clicks through the pictures): There it is, Faustus. The whole world. And it’s all yours. Everest. The Taj Mahal. Machu Pichu. The Parthenon. Disneyland.
FAUSTUS (whistles): Who’s the dame standing next to the six-foot mouse?
MEPHISTOPHELES: Snow White.
FAUSTUS: Great gams.
MEPHISTOPHELES: You can do better. Faustus, meet Helen of Troy.
Enter HELEN OF TROY.
FAUSTUS: Helen of Troy. What a knockout. She had a face like a face that could launch a thousand ships. She looked like trouble. The kind of trouble that says to a guy, "Hey pal, come get me."
HELEN OF TROY: Hello, Faustus.
She kisses him passionately.
FAUSTUS: She was a great kisser. And me without a Trojan.
MEPHISTOPHELES: One more joke like that and you’re going straight to hell. I can do it, too. It’s in the contract.
FAUSTUS checks the contract and shrugs.
HELEN OF TROY: Say, gumshoe, let’s find someplace more private.
FAUSTUS: Well, dollface...
HELEN OF TROY: Come on, Faustus. Remember, you’re damned if you do —
MEPHISTOPHELES: — and you’re damned if you don’t. So you might as well have a little fun in the meantime.
FAUSTUS: That’s where you’re wrong, Mephistopheles. (He pulls out a gun.) Your days of Pelopennesian pimping are over. I’m bringing you in on vice charges. You’re going downtown.
MEPHISTOPHELES: You fool, Faustus! You’ll never take me alive!
He disappears in a flash of red light and a quick blackout.
FAUSTUS: Damn. Come on, Helen. You’ve got an appointment with a paddy wagon.
HELEN OF TROY: But Faustus, what will I do without you?
FAUSTUS: Well, sweetheart, you’ll always have Paris.
HELEN OF TROY (as they exit): You are going to hell if you keep making jokes like that.
FAUSTUS: What can I do? I’m a dick. A private dick.