Unofficial Frankenstein Week culminates with an ultra condensed version of like, you know, Frankenstein.
But before I begin, a note for the young people: what follows is no substitute for Mary Shelley's excellent book! You will not be able to pass a test based on this entry alone (well, actually, I follow the plot points and the body count pretty closely, so you might squeak by with a D...unless the section with the stoners inspires you to write an extra-credit essay about free will v. predeterminism, and then - provided you didn't use the word "stoners" - you could probably score a C, maybe a C+...but certainly no more than that, so for gosh sakes read the book!).
Scene 1
Frozen Arctic waste. Enter CAPTAIN WALTON and his CREW. The unearthly roar of the CREATURE can be heard in the distance.
CREWMAN: Dude!
ANOTHER CREWMAN: What was that?
VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN enters at a full run.
FRANKENSTEIN: Okay, there's a monster, and we like totally have to kill it!
CAPTAIN WALTON: Oh yeah, I’m gonna listen to some freak like you.
FRANKSTEIN: Dude, I’m serious! See, there was this babe...
Scene 2
Flashback: a mall in San Fernando Valley. The child VICTOR and his MOM are hanging out by Orange Julius. Enter his DAD with the young ELISABETH.
DAD: So like her parents croaked.
MOM: Dude! Bummer. We should, you know, adopt her.
Scene 3
Ten years later. VICTOR is packing for his freshman year at U.C. Berkeley. ELISABETH enters.
ELISABETH: Dude, Berkeley. That’s like, far.
VICTOR: Hyeah. (Pause.) So you wanna like, I don’t know, get married when I get back?
ELISABETH: 'Kay.
VICTOR: Cool.
Scene 4
A dorm at Berkeley. Enter VICTOR and his new roommate HENRY.
HENRY: So you don’t like, snore, do you?
VICTOR: No.
HENRY: Good.
VICTOR: But I am, like, totally into reanimating dead flesh.
HENRY: ‘Kay. Just don’t, like leave hair in the sink.
Scene 5
The same. HENRY is near the sink, holding a severed human head by the hair.
HENRY: This is like, so gross.
Scene 6
VICTOR in the lab. He is standing over the CREATURE.
VICTOR: IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE!!
CREATURE: Well, duh.
VICTOR: Eeeewwwwwwww. You’re like, gross.
CREATURE: Oh, and you’re a babe.
VICTOR: Go ‘way! (He throws a sports bottle at the CREATURE.)
CREATURE: Ow! (He exits.)
VICTOR: Dude! Like, what have I done? (He faints.)
Scene 7
The dorm. VICTOR in bed, HENRY standing nearby.
HENRY: Dude, you were like totally out.
VICTOR: Whoa. My head fully aches.
HENRY: So like, you want a Flintstones vitamin or something?
VICTOR: You are such a geek.
HENRY: Nuh-uh.
VICTOR: Yuh-huh. (Pause.) Dude, gimme a Wilma.
Scene 8
A trailer in Bakersfield. STONERS and the CREATURE are sitting in a circle, passing a pipe.
STONER: Dude, so what you’re saying is that, like, an individual’s character is not shaped by biology, but by his, like, experiences?
CREATURE: Hyeah.
ANOTHER STONER: Whoa. Deep.
STONER: But what if you’re, like, biological ugly, so then, like, that’s why people are mean to you?
CREATURE: Dude, it’s like still the experiences that’re formative.
STONER: Yeah, but like you wouldn’t've had those experiences if you weren’t, like, gross.
CREATURE: Whoa. Dude. Are you like saying I’m gross?
STONER: Oh, yeah. Fully.
CREATURE: Dude! Icy! (He exits.)
Scene 9
VICTOR returns to the Valley. ELISABETH enters.
ELISABETH: Dude!
VICTOR: Babe!
ELISABETH: Wanna?
VICTOR: Hyeah.
Scene 10
VICTOR’S younger brother, WILLIAM and the CREATURE.
WILLIAM: Dude! You’re like, gross!
CREATURE: Duh. (He kills WILLIAM.)
Scene 11
ELISABETH enters with WILLIAM. A mournful wail:
ELISABETH: Duuuuuuuuude!
VICTOR: Little dude!
ELISABETH exits with the body. The CREATURE enters behind VICTOR and taps him on the shoulder.
CREATURE: Dude.
VICTOR: You like totally suck.
CREATURE: Thank you, Mr. Parental Guidance.
VICTOR: You are so lame.
CREATURE: Hyeah. So like, I want a babe. Make a babe for me.
VICTOR: Oh, like, no way.
CREATURE: ‘Kay. See ya.
VICTOR: Whatever.
Scene 12
A dorm in Berkeley.
HENRY: Ick! You’re like, gross!
CREATURE: Duh. (He kills HENRY.)
Scene 13
A honeymoon suite in Las Vegas.
VICTOR: Ready?
ELISABETH: Hyeah.
The phone rings. VICTOR picks it up and listens.
VICTOR: Dude! (He runs out.)
ELISABETH: No way. This sucks.
The CREATURE enters.
ELISABETH: Whoa!
CREATURE: Oh, what? Like, I’m gross?
ELISABETH: Well, duh.
He kills her and exits. VICTOR re-enters.
VICTOR: I am like, so pissed.
Scene 14
Arctic waste.
VICTOR: So like that’s why we have to kill this thing. I’ve been chasing him for like, years.
CAPTAIN WALTON: Dude, I’m like so sorry. I was just like totally not listening to your story.
VICTOR: Dude! (He falls over dead.)
CAPTAIN WALTON: Whoa. Bummer.
CREATURE: Hyeah.